Self Control

I am giving a talk this evening, to a student-led conference on leadership and health.

The basic premise of my talk is that you cannot expect to lead or influence others if you are not in command of yourself. Self-control is crucial. It affects how you prioritize, what you say to other people, how you react to emergencies -- as well as on your ability to lead.

Self-control is a practice of discipline. It comes from what is described in the Bible as the "Fruit of the Spirit" (Galatians 5:22-23). It takes time to develop, but is easy to lose!

Why do we lose self-control? I believe one of the biggest reasons is what Dr. Richard Swensen (Margin, 2004) calls a "lack of margin." Just having margins on a page, we should have blank space in our schedules and cushion in our finances. When we are overextended, either with our schedule or our finances, we are more likely to explode when something unexpected arises. Certainly, we lose the positive attitude that draws followers to leaders.

How do we develop more margin? I think Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (1989) has a lot to offer to someone looking for more margin. I will highlight two key points that he makes: 1. Sharpen the saw, and 2. Put the big rocks in first.

Sharpening the saw means taking care of yourself. Getting enough rest, eating healthful foods, and exercising even moderately will go a long way to improving your self control. Covey identifies the need to invest time in yourself for physical, social, spiritual, and intellectual renewal.

To make the time, you have to "put the big rocks in first." That means that you prioritize and protect the time that you need. We often spend too much time on things that are urgent, but not so important. Sharpening the saw activities are important, but not necessarily urgent -- so you need to schedule those activities ahead of the urgent (but not important) ones. Be aware of the time you spend on things that are neither urgent or important (e.g., watching TV, being immersed in MySpace, etc.), and set boundaries on those.

You also have to break the procrastination habit, something I have already blogged about.

No fun? Well, actually, you might find that by creating more margin for yourself and focusing on the right priorities that you will enjoy life more, be a better leader, and have more time for intentional fun. Self control pays dividends.

Another hard thing

Last time, I mentioned how hard it is to stop something when you've been doing it for a while. Well, it's also hard to start something, when you've stopped it for a while. Newton's Law about inertia (an object in motion will stay in motion, while an object at rest will stay at rest -- in the absence of other forces) seems to apply to human behavior as well as the realm of physics.

So, even though I don't have a specific topic in mind for this blog, I wanted to get moving and start the year off better than I ended the last one. I had tried to blog every Tuesday, more or less, and let a panoply of obstacles distract me. I can do better, and will do better, this year.

As I reflect on last year, I am thankful for many blessings -- one of which is a more grateful spirit. In fact, it has become a bit of a mental exercise for me, when I'm inclined to complain about something, to figure out how to be grateful for that very thing. For example, as a regular migraine sufferer, I get tired of being laid up with these painful and nauseating episodes. I have learned, however, to be grateful for the rest they provide. When my husband and I walk our dogs, and he complains about how the grass becomes yellow as it goes dormant in the cold weather, I am grateful that it is not snow that we are seeing on the ground. When I am hitting eight and my ball isn't even on the green, I'm thankful to be outdoors and have the opportunity (if not the ability) to play golf. When I think about our teenage son breaking away, little by little, I am grateful for the time we have had together, and for how special he is. Being grateful for moving into a new season of life has been difficult (calling it an "empty nest" does not help), but having a grateful heart does keep me mindful of how small our troubles are.

In the new year, I have many goals. Largely, they center around embracing this new season in my life and being truly grateful for it: polishing my classes until they shine, finishing my book to my publisher's and my satisfaction, being more connected to my social network and resuming my consulting practice. On the personal side, I plan on savoring each moment with my family, playing team tennis with gusto, improving my golf game with patience, and investing in community service with passion.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for very purpose under heaven: 2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, American Standard Version.

Best wishes to all for 2010!

Life is a Process

As I write about process effectiveness, I think about how much of life is really a process: inputs turn into outputs through a system affected by its environment.

For example, procrastinating. This is a process at which I excel, and teach students to avoid. (It takes one to know one.) People tend to procrastinate because they are perfectionists, or because they are overwhelmed, or both. To overcome this, you projectize whatever you are procrastinating about, and then you break it into smaller pieces that are less overwhelming. Visualize the end result. Allow yourself an imperfect beginning. Do the most distasteful task first and get it out of the way. (Have you read Eat that Frog, by Brian Tracy? -- it's the same principle. While I'm at it, let me also recommend The Now Habit by Neil Fiore.) You can see, I am quite knowledgeable -- and if I may say so, adept -- at procrastinating.

My procrastinating process goes something like this: Whatever I am avoiding is usually something on paper: grading, bookkeeping, or in this case, some writing. The process begins with either carrying the papers around for a while, or looking at the pile in an unavoidable place. My anxiety increases, the longer this part of the process continues. Then I think, "Hmm, maybe I should clear my mind of all the little things distracting me from concentrating on this pile." So, I clean out my email boxes, organize something, plan something else, and sometimes even cook dinner. Yet the pile persists. So, the next step is usually a nap -- so I can feel refreshed and focused. Then -- and only then -- do I tackle something ELSE I have been procrastinating about. For example, when I had a stack of term papers to grade last semester, it was a terrific time to rewrite the by-laws for an organization of which I am a member. (I had been putting that off for several weeks, because it was a bit overwhelming, and kind of boring.)

This week, I've been avoiding working on a textbook chapter about process effectiveness. (The reference file has been on my desk for eleven days.) This time, it's an issue of perfectionism: I really, really want to make this chapter life-changing for my students. Truly, I have a passion for processes.

So, my email boxes are current, I have re-organized my closet, planned the first three weeks of classes, and even prepared to make my C, C & C (chicken, couscous, and carrots mixed together) for dinner . The nap was great. And now I'm writing the blog that I wanted to update two days ago, but have been avoiding. See how this works? You have to channel the procrastination, and make it work for you. Eventually, you get it all done.

Maybe I'll start the following chapter, procrastinate about IT, and then go back to process effectiveness. Hmmm...